Seniors and Sexuality: Improving Sex as You Age (Part III)
David Schnarch, in his book Passionate Marriage, emphasizes that people become better lovers as they age. This runs counter to cultural stereotypes which hold that sex is for the young. Older persons have learned a few things over time, and no longer struggle with youthful anxieties and ignorance about sexuality.
With age and maturity, it is more possible to slow down and deeply experience all the pleasure that sensual sexuality has to offer. It is possible to learn how to combine deep relaxation with high states of arousal in order to have more intense, longer-lasting sexual experiences.
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Expand your definition of sex. Sex is more than intercourse! See following section (Intercourse Is not the Only Way to Have Sex) on this topic.
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Communicate with your partner. Talk about what you need and what you like. Discuss the changes you're going through. Ask your partner about his or her needs and how to be accommodating. Communication itself can be arousing!
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Make changes to your routine. Change the time of day in which you have sexual activity. Mornings or afternoons may be better than at night when you are tired or achy. Take more time to set the stage for romance: romantic dinners or an evening of dancing or a special time or place for lovemaking. Try a new sexual position.
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Manage your expectations. If you didn't have sex very often as a younger adult, don't expect to have lots of sex as an older adult. Partners who enjoy frequent sex when they are younger are more likely to continue that as they age.
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Take care of yourself. Eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly, at least 30 minutes a day. Avoid alcohol as it decreases sexual function in both men and women. Do your Kegel exercises every day.
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Practice safe sex. If you have a new partner, get tested. Use condoms. People over 50 make up about 10% of AIDS cases in the United States.
Intercourse is Not the Only Way to Have Sex!
Helen Gurley Brown, author of Sex and the Single Girl, has said, "When people say they can't have sex because they have a bad back, or arthritis, or all of the things that can affect our bodies as we get older, I think what they're really saying is they're looking for an excuse not to have sex. When you care, you find that there are all sorts of ways to express sensuality."
Sexual ignorance, cultural values and media images combine to "sell" the story that sex = intercourse - and having an orgasm is the way to tell if you're accomplishing anything!
This mindset gets everything backwards. The purpose of having huge concentrations of nerve endings and pleasure receptors in our genitals is to experience pleasure. While orgasms are wonderful, when sex becomes goal-driven to "achieve" climax, it short-changes both partners' pleasure and places enormous performance expectations and demands - which can turn sex from playful, spontaneous, pleasurable sensual intimacy between two people who care about each other into something like a chore.
I highly recommend Marty Klein's book Let Me Count the Ways: Great Sex Without Intercourse as an excellent guide and encouragement in your creativity.
Passionate kissing, oral sex, mutual masturbation, telling erotic stories to each other, massage, hugging, touching, cuddling -- all of this can be great sex!
What is most important is pleasure - giving and receiving physical and emotional pleasure. We are all hungry to be touched. We need touch. Without touch, babies do not thrive, and may even die. Grownups need to be touched too. (If you're reading this and do not have a partner in your life, remember that self-pleasure can be a very important aspect of self-care and nurture. It is always possible to choose pleasure for oneself!)
Most of all, simply enjoy the pleasureful sensations which your body is amply equipped to experience. Take time to nurture your relationship with your partner so that you are feeling emotionally connected. Approach your sexual relationship with playfulness, humor, patience and love.
Sexual pleasure is part of the birthright of being human - and it is a lifelong resource for joy, health and personal growth.
Additional Resources on Seniors and Sexuality
For further resources on Seniors and Sexuality - books, magazine articles, films and Internet resources - see Sexuality and Aging Resources page.
More resources on Sexuality are listed in The Guide to Self-Help Books. Relevant sections of the Guide include