An important element in finding a better sex life is learning how to talk with your partner about sex.  Most adults know how to talk about all kinds of things with their significant other – from plans for the weekend, to what kind of car to buy – but when the topic is sex, it all seems to go out the window.

Here’s a brief guide to having better conversations about sex with your partner:

• Choose the right time and place. It’s a bad idea to try to talk about a difficult topic when you are tired or upset. Many couples talk about sex only after something goes wrong, late at night when both are exhausted. Instead, look for a time when everyone is calm and relaxed, and when there is no pressure to immediately move into sexual activity.
• Be positive. Bookend your conversation with positive affirmations of the love you feel for your partner and your desire for closeness and mutual respect. Criticism is likely to yield only defensiveness, so be complimentary of your partner as you tell him or her what you’re feeling and thinking.
• Be clear about what you want. Use accurate language rather than euphemisms. It works better to say something like “I’d love for you to stroke my penis with a light touch” rather than “Get me excited – you know how.”
• Know that telling the truth in love to your partner is offering them a wonderful gift.

Few of us grew up witnessing healthy adult conversations about sex. Many families are silent on the subject, and children don’t learn how, or even if, it is possible to talk clearly and openly about sex. So, this is a skill that has to be learned in adult life. Ask you partner to join you in learning how to communicate so that together you can create a more satisfying sexual relationship.

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Marty Klein is one of my favorite authors. He’s a sex therapist in Palo Alto who consistently publishes thought-provoking books, filled with fresh ideas and revolutionary concepts about sexuality and healthy sexual relationships.

His new book – just released — is Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want From Sex, And How to Get It, published by Harper Collins.

Here’s what Marty says about the book:
“In my 31 years of therapy with couples and individuals , I keep hearing people say that what they want from sex is pleasure and closeness. And yet most people focus on other things during sex–how they look, what their partner is thinking, how they compare to others, whether they’re normal, or the dreaded ‘performance.’”

Sexual Intelligence is filled with ideas about how to create enjoyable sex in your intimate relationship. The advice is practical and down to earth. Marty has a gift for telling stories about real people in real situations.

I heartily recommend this book to anyone wanting fresh perspective on being part of a successful intimate relationship! I’ll be doing a complete book review soon.  But, hey – beat me to it! Grab a copy and read this now!

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It surprises me, though it probably shouldn’t, how sex is often portrayed in popular movies. What gets me is how quickly it occurs. Two people are having an intense conversation and suddenly clothes are coming off (or not) and without so much as a kiss or a lingering caress, they are having intercourse.

While this does occasionally occur in real life, it’s not the norm. And it sets the bar really high for viewers whose sexual experiences may look nothing like what’s on the screen. I understand, that’s part of why we watch movies. But there’s a subtle way in which what we see on the screen works its way into our minds and shapes expectations. In my twenties I noticed that after watching an action movie, when I left the theater I was driving faster, taking corners faster, somehow still “in” the movie I’d just seen.

What I’m protesting here is when directors use an abbreviated version of sex to communicate the notion of sexual passion and personal connection in a movie. Maybe I just want to linger with the part of the story that shows how two people can feel very intense feelings, take the risk to reach out for a sexual connection, and experience deep pleasure. It’s confusing when parts of the story get left out.

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Many people experience performance anxiety, and it can lie at the root of a number of sexual problems including erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, difficulty reaching orgasm in women and general lack of arousal.

Performance anxiety means, simply, that you’re worried about your ability to perform an important task. Sexually this may mean that a man may be afraid that he won’t get an erection, or that he may lose his erection; or a woman may fear that she won’t become aroused or have an orgasm.

Paradoxically, the performance anxiety can increase the likelihood of the feared outcome. When you are thinking or, worse, worrying about what you are doing – whatever it is – your performance is degraded. Optimal performance occurs when we are in a state of “flow”, when there’s no separation between the doer and the doing. A person in the state of flow is relaxed, not tense; acting and experiencing, not thinking; focused and not distracted. Performance anxiety often leads to what is called “spectatoring” –looking over your own shoulder and providing ongoing commentary like a sports announcer.

Anxiety tends to be self-perpetuating. It’s even possible to worry about worrying too much. The answer to sexual performance anxiety is to shift gears, get out of your head, relax, and focus on the pleasurable sensations your body is experiencing. Deep, slow breathing is an excellent way to relax your body and your mind and to help you notice what you are smelling, tasting, hearing, seeing and touching. Stop worrying about living up to some imagined standard and enjoy the experience of just loving your partner.

It’s often helpful to discuss any performance anxieties and fears you have with your partner. If you are in a loving relationship, it is very likely that your partner will want to be understanding and supportive. You may be surprised to find that the expectations you have about your performance may be significantly different than what your partner desires. Men, for example, often assume that they must live up to some kind of porn star image, with a never-failing erection. They are surprised to learn that their partners are much more interested in talking about feelings and experiences, tenderness, and just being close.

Porn and romance novels, Hollywood movies and popular songs, and TV shows have all played a role in creating idealized expectations of what we should do or be in an intimate relationship. These fictional representations substitute, in large part, from real-world input to help us orient ourselves as to how to be intimate. Perhaps the best thing you can do with the person you love is to talk, really talk, to your him or her about what you feel and what you want. It’s easy to overlook this vital, yet ordinary process of communicating about the things we yearn for.

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I’ve recently created a new online resource for adults wishing to learn more about sexuality and how to create more erotic enjoyment in their lives. It’s called Joy of Making Love and it’s filled with reviews of terrific books, video and music that celebrate the joy of making love and the pleasures of erotic connection.

Here are some of the content areas of the website:

• Intimate Relationships and Relationship Advice, with resources on intimacy, sexual technique, BDSM, polyamory and swinging
• Erotic Education for Men – what men need to know for more erotic enjoyment
• Erotic Education for Women – how women can enjoy more fulfilling relationships
• Erotic Art, including erotic painting and drawing, erotic sculpture, erotic film and erotic photography
• Erotic Fiction – literary fiction, erotica and graphic novels
• Erotic Poetry
• The Joy of Making Love, celebrating the pleasures of erotic connection
• Erotic Lives including erotic memoirs and biographies
• Eroticism and Desire – how to reach your sexual potential
• The Science of Sex, books on sexual research and sexual science
• Sexual Fitness – how to be fit, strong and flexible to maximize erotic enjoyment
• Sexual Healing, including recovery from sexual abuse as well as how to utilize the healing powers of pleasure for personal growth and development
• Tantra and Sacred Sexuality, with subsections on sacred sex, Tantra, the Kama Sutra, Tao sex and sex magic
• Great Sex Education Videos – the best of sexuality education on video, including tips on sexual technique, sexual relationships, the joy of making love, Tantric sex and much more
• Erotic Music for Making Love, including music for ecstasy, touch and quiet times as well as music for dance and erotic movement
• Tantric Meditations – cds and video guided meditations for exploring the world of Tantra

I invite you to visit Joy of Making Love today and browse through the recommended resources. Sex is learned behavior in human beings, as opposed to being instinctual, as in animals. Most of us didn’t get an opportunity to learn all we needed and wanted to know before becoming sexually active as young adults. Joy of Making Love is a informative guide to the wide world of human erotic enjoyment and is a great resource for your learning, inspiration, and enhanced pleasure.

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Sometimes in my conversations with clients I refer to something I call the Continuum of Sexual Experience. This is a graphical representation of the range of possible experiences in a sexual relationship.

I usually don’t draw it, but if I did, it would look like this:

No Sex – - Bad Sex – - Good Sex – - Great Sex – - Ecstatic Sex

My point in presenting this is to begin to create a vision for what is possible. Sex is learned behavior in humans, and, like any other human behavior, that means that it is possible to get better at it. We get better at something by learning the theory, but mostly by practicing.

In the beginning there may appear to be roadblocks, in that one partner may be hesitant. There may be fears and disappointments, perhaps even painful experiences to process before it feels possible to commit to a process of increasing your competence. It’s vital to take the time that is necessary to work through any issues or experiences that are frightening or even overwhelming. What look like roadblocks in the beginning often turn out to be tremendous opportunities for personal growth and development, provided they are approached in a safe environment and at a manageable pace.

Teamwork is essential in creating an optimal relationship. The essence of making love is the pleasure of giving and receiving love. For love to be vital and believable and erotically charged, it has to be freely given, coming from a place of relaxation, self-assurance and freedom. It’s worth taking the time needed to work through any pain and woundedness that may be getting in the way of feeling safe and relaxed.

The state of “no sex” may represent the reality that one or both partners are struggling with sexual or emotional wounding or pain and the best solution appears to be avoidance of the intensity of sexual intimacy: it just doesn’t feel safe or possible to go there.

“Bad sex” may mean a lack of communication between partners, or sexual ignorance of what is possible in terms of sexual enjoyment and erotic pleasure.

“Good sex” can signify a good relationship with an initial erotic component that has perhaps grown stale, or routine. The partners have busy lives, and exploring the frontiers of their erotic relationship has perhaps not been a priority.

“Great sex” is, well, great! But the participants may not fully understand what makes it great, and what can make it even greater, and more consistently so.

“Ecstatic sex” is the sexual equivalent of Yo-Yo Ma playing his Stradivarius; the partners are deeply attuned with themselves and with each other. They are creative sexual adventurers who aren’t afraid to seek new experiences together; they are sexual gourmands who create opportunities to share profound and delightful erotic time. They aren’t trying to be like anyone else or live up to anyone’s sexual expectations, but are comfortable being themselves.

This Continuum of Sexual Experience is not a curriculum or a grading scheme. It’s simply outlining what is possible. Not everyone will experience “Ecstatic sex”, just as not everyone eats all their meals at five-star restaurants. Sometimes you have fast food, sometimes solid healthful meals, and there are special occasions where you may splurge the time, energy and money to dress up and go out for a really terrific meal.

True gourmands think about what they want; they pay attention to flavors and the sensual experience of food. They talk about food, memorable meals, that great sauce they enjoyed last week.  They may plan together with their spouse or partner the next outing for a delightful meal; or they may work together in their kitchen to create just what they want to eat.

The Continuum is a way of orienting ourselves in terms of sexual self development. It’s possible to think in terms of reaching one’s “sexual potential” – just as we think of reaching our personal potential in other areas of life, such as career, educational, athletic or musical endeavors.

Think about your sexual potential, where you are and where you’d like to be! The Continuum of Sexual Experience can be your guide for personal growth.

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Welcome to my blog! Here I will post occasional “notes” – musings on the rich complexity of human sexuality, the diversity of human sexual behavior, and the interface between sexuality and culture.

I’m a practicing sex therapist, and I count it a privilege to sit with individuals and couples who are exploring their sexual lives and seeking to effect change. Many of us in Western culture have sexual wounding, whether from abuse, neglect, or simple ignorance. Our culture has few good models on offer to show the way towards healthy, high-functioning sexuality. I sometimes say that our culture is both sexually repressed – and at the same time sexually obsessed. We’re continuing to shortchange our children by sending them into adolescence with limited understanding of their changing bodies and how to best relate to themselves and others as sexual beings. While the kids are trying to figure it out, they are being bombarded with sexual imagery and content from advertising, movies, television, music, porn, romance novels… it comes from everywhere.

My goal is to encourage a healing dialogue, between therapist and client, husband and wife, parents and children, men and women. I believe if we can talk openly about the things that trouble us, we can take steps to figure them out.

I welcome your feedback, comments and questions. You can comment on blog entries, and you can email me with questions at Contact Dr. Yarian.

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